


Mother of All Hangovers

by Kyogre



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Community: snkkink, Gen, Kink Meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-25
Updated: 2013-10-04
Packaged: 2017-12-27 14:09:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/979845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyogre/pseuds/Kyogre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From snkkink.</p>
<p>On the night of their graduation, the 104th recruits have a wild celebration and get drunk. Really drunk. None more drunk than Those Three. (And they are crazy drunks.)</p>
<p>The last anyone sees of them, they are in full 3DMG and hurtling themselves off Wall Rose, screaming something about seeing the ocean.</p>
<p>The next morning, the hangover is impressive, three graduates are missing, and a path of destruction leads away from Wall Rose. </p>
<p>As for Armin, Eren and Mikasa, they wake up at the ocean. They're not sure how they got there, but getting back is one hell of an adventure. There may have been some cults founded. Armin might be an evil mastermind. And, hey, Eren can turn into a Titan. That might just be the least weird part.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Morning After edition

\---------------

The 104th Training Corps is spectacular in many ways. If Keith Shadis had been a man prone to bragging, he would have never shut up about “his” kids. As it is, he simply states that there is an above average number of students with potential that year. 

Unfortunately, that spectacularness also manifests in some... less than desirable ways. 

For example, the night of drinking that follows graduation is spectacular. The sheer amount of alcohol they imbue is spectacular. The scale of the drunken pranks they pull is spectacular. 

The following hangover is spectacular. 

It's so spectacular that it persists well into the afternoon, when the head of the Military Police arrives to retrieve the top ten recruits, to whom he considers his branch entitled. 

Following an instinct of interservice rivalry (or perhaps out and out hatred) that has never quite faded, Shadis fails to tell Nile that he probably wouldn’t be getting his full ten. 

It isn’t really any surprise that only eight newly graduated recruits show up to be sworn in by the Military Police Commander, the first and fifth spots conspicuously empty. 

Seeing how hungover the other eight are -- swaying, squinting and barely able to mumble something that may be an attempt to sound off -- Nile at first assums that the last two have gotten lost or are passed out somewhere. Shadis takes perhaps a little too much pleasure in assuring him otherwise. Ackerman and Yeager have made their desire to join the Survey Corps clear. 

“Suicidal idiot,” Jean manages to mutter even through his pounding headache. In a strange, passing moment of clarity, his eyes narrow. Something about that thought stirs his memory. 

“What?” Nile all but barks, the sharp sound sending all the recruits cringing, and the stray memory is gone. 

Thus, it isn’t until that evening, when the few lunatics out to join the Survey Corps are gathered, waiting for Commander Smith to arrive, that someone realizes that something is wrong. 

“Um, sir?” Thomas Wagner approaches Shadis with great trepidation. Even in the flickering torchlight, it is clear that he still hasn’t recovered entirely, but at least now he can speak. 

“If you’ve changed your mind, it’s not too late to leave,” Shadis tells him. 

“That’s not it, sir!” Thomas insists, drawing himself up ramrod straight. He winces in the next moment. “It’s just that... Eren’s not here. Or Mikasa. Or Armin.” 

“Maybe he wised up and went with the Military Police,” someone suggests, since the entire small gathering is blatantly listening in. 

Everyone else snorts at the joke. Eren, wise up. Yeah, right. 

Shadis frowns. Or rather, his perpetual frown deepens. If only one of the three had been missing, he would have asked the others. But for all three to be gone...

He never expected to be praying for a drunk prank gone wrong.

There are very few recruits interested in joining the Survey Corps, and they all know each other. They have a certain sense of solidarity, especially under the banner of “Voted Most Likely to Die First” “Quick to Rush in Reckless Idiot” “Kill All Titans” “Fight Fight Fight” Eren Yeager. 

So when Erwin finally arrives to swear in his own new additions, a special discouraging speech already prepared, he is bemused to find that the entire would-be Survey Corps group has reorganized itself into an investigation taskforce. 

He is honestly impressed by their efficiency, willingness to set to a task, dedication to their teammates and ability to work through a massive hangover. That last one will be invaluable the morning of an expedition. 

The investigation reveals that all three sets of 3D Maneuver Gear are missing, as well as enough gas to fill them up and blades for each. Shadis mentally adds petty theft to the list of charges he will slam all three recruits with once they are found. 

Witness -- or at least reliable witnesses -- prove hard to find. 

Everyone sort of remembers when they started drinking, even if some are more reluctant to own up to it than others. (No one remembers where the booze came from.) Everyone also mostly remembers when Jean challenged Eren to a drinking contest and then proceeded to water down his share of the booze. 

Pretty much everyone admits to getting Mikasa a drink or three, as congratulations or as a sign of sympathy for having to deal with Eren. 

Armin didn’t seem to have had much, but apparently he didn’t need much either. 

Before long, he was on a table, declaring to everyone that he had a plan. That plan included killing all the Titans -- yes, Eren, that’s definitely an important step -- climbing the ranks, gathering blackmail, exposing the Wall Cult’s secrets, taking over the government and going beyond the walls to see the ocean. 

Eren had enthusiastically cheered at the last part, drowning out the questions of the few who were still sober enough to question the fact that Armin apparently had an entire revolution planned out. Or maybe a coup. Even those sober enough to realize something was weird there were pretty blitzed by that point and couldn’t really remember the order of the steps involved. 

Erwin, who has been following the investigation with interest, strokes his chin thoughtfully. 

And then... things get a bit fuzzy. 

It definitely involved Jean taunting Eren and claiming they would never get to see the ocean. Armin had declared that they would, in fact, see the ocean. And Jean wouldn’t, because he was lame. And because he was lame, he’d never get to see Mikasa in a bikini either. 

Or maybe Eren had said that. Or maybe they both had. 

And then the Eremin hybrid had declared that they would go to see the ocean right now to prove that they could. And then they’d be back to kill all the Titans and overthrow the government. 

And then they got their Gear and went over the Wall. 

Apparently. No one had been left quite sober enough to be sure, but all evidence points to it. 

“Saint Sina, Rose and Maria,” Shadis mutters. 

“That’s very unfortunate,” Erwin comments diplomatically. 

“I can’t believe they made it over while that drunk, especially Arlert,” Shadis says. Somehow, he can’t bring himself to disbelieve that they are, in fact, that stupid. 

Erwin gingerly pats him on the shoulder. “The next expedition is departing tomorrow. We’ll try to find some sign of them,” he says consolingly.

Clearly, he hasn’t spent three years with these little monsters. 

The expedition doesn’t find the three recruits. They do find a mysterious path of destruction heading away from Wall Rose, to Rose Maria and, as they confirm, beyond into the Titan lands. 

If they had been a day and a half earlier, they would have found that path stewn with Titan carcasses. As it is, the Highway to the Ocean, as the Survey Corps begin to refer to it, remains a mysterious, unexplained phenomenon -- a line that no Titan would cross. 

No, really. Titans approach it, stop suddenly and dither at the very edge of the path of destruction, as if some primal instinct tells them it is too dangerous to cross. 

No human remembers what had occurred the night of the 104th graduation. But the Titans would always remember. And they would fear the day that They would return...


	2. Beach episode edition

\-------------

Armin’s last clear memory of graduation night is watching Jean surreptitiously water down his next shot. Eren had remained oblivious as they both emptied their glasses. 

Armin remembers sighing, since it had been going on for a while, and Eren had been quickly passing the point of “very drunk” straight into “completely, utterly sloshed, no, really, anyone else would have passed out or died from alcohol poisoning by now.” 

After that, it gets fuzzy. He thinks he remembers giving a speech, or at least looking down at their fellow graduates from something like a stage. 

“I think I remember that too,” Eren agrees. Mikasa nods. 

Armin winces a little, because he also kind of remembers declaring all his plans to all and sundry. The only possible comforts are that the entire audience was perhaps too drunk to remember what he said and that, if they did, they might write it off as alcohol induced delusion. 

Still, he’ll have to rewrite his procedures, just in case. 

After that, Armin kind of remembers coming up with a very crazy plan to break into a storehouse. For more booze? 

Mikasa shakes her head. It’s not a smart move, but only the slightest paling of her face shows her discomfort. “For blades and gas,” she says. 

Unwillingly, Armin is forced to agree. The details are fuzzy, but she’s probably right. 

And then... 

“We went to see the ocean,” Eren says, like it’s the most obvious thing. 

Armin gives him a stink eye. “You don’t remember that,” he accuses. 

Eren shrugs. “Not really, but it’s gotta be that, right?” 

It is, because the ocean is right there, next to them. It’s painfully bright, head-killingly loud and smells nauseating. Armin is too hungover to be awed. Only Eren, stupidly chipper and apparently unaffected, is able to enjoy the sight. 

So. They stole blades and gas, went over the wall -- and, yeah, Armin might kind of remember the crazy feeling of freedom or maybe freefall as he looked back out over the long drop to the dark city, almost as magnificent as the night sky above -- and went to see the ocean. 

There are so, so many things wrong with that.

“...I don’t think the ocean is within a day’s travel,” he says. Judging by the sun’s position, it’s around early afternoon. On foot, since late the night before? They wouldn’t have even made it to Wall Maria. 

As Armin is slowly realizing, it’s not “the next day.” They didn’t have a wild night. They had a wild week. 

“Okay, okay,” Armin chants to himself. He remembers -- sort of -- reaching the top of Wall Rose, and how much trouble are they going to be in for that? What happened next? 

“You said the ocean was that way,” Mikasa reminds him helpfully and mimics Armin’s pointing gesture, though in this case, she ends up pointing somewhere away from the body of water next to them. “And you gave a speech.” She pauses, then adds, “It was very inspirational.”

Somehow, that doesn’t comfort Armin much. 

“Then,” Mikasa continues, in the same calm tone, “Eren bit his hand and turned into a Titan.” 

That comes so out of left field that Armin can only stare for a moment. He sighs. “That’s a drunken hallucination. We’ll have to guess the rest.” 

“No,” Eren says slowly, “that really happened.” 

Apparently, being in a... state of altered consciousness helped him remember. It’s all coming back now -- his father, the injection, directed self-injury and then transforming. Funnily enough, being really drunk also had an effect on his Titan form...

Armin wants to deny it. But he has a sudden, vivid recollection of himself, posing dramatically, something like thirteen meters off the ground, and yelling loudly, “FORWARD!” 

He covers his face with his hands and tries not to weep.


	3. Homeward bound edition

\----------

While Armin wallows in his despair -- how, how is this his life, all his careful plans, what the hell Eren, how do you even manage that -- and Mikasa tries to meditate away her hangover, Eren goes to explore. 

He doesn’t go far and keeps circling back to where his friends have buried themselves back into the sandy burrow they had awoken in. He also keeps dragging things back -- two shirts, a skirt, a shoe, an umbrella, and lots of empty bottles that smell like alcohol. 

He’s like a dog, Armin thinks uncharitably. 

Mikasa, previously content to sit around in breast band, loincloth and scarf, accepts one of the shirts Eren retrieves -- of course she does, it’s from Eren -- and pulls it on. It’s... colorful. The cut is strange, the patterns unlike anything in the Walls, and even the material is unknown. 

At first, Armin is still too busy sulking to think about it. When Eren offers him a shirt as well, Armin rebelliously pulls the woven blanket tighter around himself and turns up his nose. 

Eren doesn’t find any pants in the vicinity. Since these are obviously the clothes they had arrived in -- before stripping, for some drunken reason -- that is a little distressing. 

Actually, the fact that they apparently arrived in clothing none of them remember ever seeing before, much less putting on, is a lot distressing, especially since their last clear memory is of climbing over Wall Rose, in their normal civilian clothing and 3D Maneuver Gear.

There are people outside the Walls, Armin concludes blankly. And these people apparently supplied them with clothing, miscellaneous travel items and a whole lot of booze -- the empty bottles Eren retrieves pile up. 

They must have sobered up at some point after leaving the Walls, right? Armin had sort of wondered about that. Now he suspects that they proceeded to drink away their hangovers. 

Eren does eventually return with an actual travel pack. Inside are mysterious fruits in an assortment of colors. 

Having moved past Denial and Anger, Armin finds himself somewhere between Bargaining and Depression. He accepts one of the fruit. 

Turning it over in his hands, he tries to figure things out. 

It’s not all bad. His best friend can turn into a fifteen meter killing machine. That definitely had its uses. They could probably even start their own cult! 

Something stirs in the very depth of his memory. Armin feels a shudder go down his spine. 

People... people didn’t usually just give away that much alcohol, did they? 

“We should start heading back,” Eren says, licking the last of the fruit juices off his hands. (Somewhere, a certain short man shudders.) “If you guys are ready.”

“Okay,” Mikasa says placidly, reaching for the set of ornamental swords -- definitely not standard military issue -- that Eren had also found. 

“Do we even know how to get back?” Armin wonders, still nibbling disinterestedly at the mystery fruit. 

“Sure,” Eren says. He point over his shoulder, inland. “There’s this... path over there. I think we made it.” 

It’s a path alright. A path of destruction. If any of them had ever seen a tornado, they would have compared the trail of savaged vegetation, overturned earth and other damage to its trail. There are also, notably, very large footprints and deep, narrow gouges made by a sword. 

After forcing Armin into one of the tunics, they start to head down the mostly straight path. Suddenly, Armin stops, staring at something at the edge of the destruction. 

“Someone brought flowers,” he mutters. There are indeed several rough bouquets lined up along the sides of the path. “And more booze.” 

Like offerings -- to wrathful gods. 

Armin covers his face, and his shoulders begin to shake. However, this time, he isn’t struggling to hold back tears. What emerges is the laughter of an evil mastermind. 

\-------------

Incidentally, the path from Trost to the shore -- the Highway to the Ocean -- remains a cultural and almost mythological landmark for many generations to come. At the behest of the legendary Lord Armin Arlert, it is paved, and eventually comes to be used for pilgrimages -- and tourism. 

However, he never, ever admits how it first came to be. 

\-----------


	4. All's well that ends well edition

\------------

The aftermath of That Night is a confused mess, much like the event that preceded it. 

Erwin honestly feels a bit cheated. They could have had two of the top ten in their ranks! Sure, Levi dismisses the whole thing, claiming that if they were dumb enough to charge over the Wall, they deserved to get eaten, but Erwin takes a more tolerant view. Everyone gets drunk and does something stupid when they’re teenagers. It’s just that most of them don’t manage something quite that stupid. 

Surely the three of them would have been more reasonable -- and with more sense of self-preservation -- when sober. 

Clearly, he hadn’t spent three years, or even three minutes, with those little monsters. 

Still, the next expedition beyond the Walls is planned for tomorrow, and Erwin hates deviating from plans. At least the other new recruits don’t seem to put off by their friends’ apparent demise. If anything, they seem caught between anticipation and dread -- and not the “finding my friends’ detached limbs” kind either. 

Nile feels cheated as well. Setting aside the fifth ranker -- he was apparently crazy anyway -- he could’ve had Ackerman, a once in a century talent, worth a hundred regular soldiers, and an exotic, lovely young thing to boot. She would have done well as a high-ranking bodyguard. Some of the better informed nobles had already begun jockeying to have her assigned to them. 

All that potential, wasted. 

Well, he’s at least going to make sure the other eight never so much as consider looking at booze again. Or doing anything recreational, for that matter. Some might call it vindictive, but Nile calls it building character. Because the Military Police is well-known for that. 

Better to call it enforcing Order, he decides.

Thus, the poor new recruits are left without two consecutive minutes to themselves, running every errand imaginable and some they had never dreamed of. Their every effort is observed, critiqued and outright mocked by superior officers with nothing better to do.

Unknown to everyone, Nile’s constant demands -- for coffee, tea, biscuit, floor cleaning, shoe polishing, if you’re not back in seven minutes it’s latrine duty, this tea is disgusting do it over -- actually save Trost. Neither Reiner nor Bertolt have a spare moment to sneak away and break in the gate, and at the end of the day, they literally pass out onto their beds. 

The doors to the recruits’ rooms are locked and guarded, just in case they get any ideas. 

And then it’s too late and they are being hauled out of bed, only half-conscious, because the entire Military Police contingent is departing for Wall Sina. 

Bertolt sweats, Reiner secretly, guiltily feels relieved, and Annie gives them both the stink eye. 

There’ll always be time later, they comfort themselves. 

(There isn’t.)

\-----------------

There is a hole in Wall Maria. Another hole. One that almost certainly hadn’t been there just recently. 

Apparently, those three hadn’t bothered going over the next Wall. They had just gone through it. 

When the Survey Corps discovers this, things degenerate into a furious, unproductive argument.

It’s the latest Thing in a series of Things. 

After first leaving Trost, they circle along the Wall, to the section closest to the training area. Levi thinks it’s a waste of time -- there is almost no chance even one of the brats had managed to survive two days outside -- but Erwin insists, for reasons known only to himself. The little green shits back him up, for what it's worth. 

They find a crater. No, really. It looks like something had been dropped from the top of the Wall, but inside the crater itself, there is nothing. The mystery only deepens as a path of destruction stretches away from the crater, marked by overturned earth, uprooted trees, long, thick drag marks and Titan footprints. 

Everyone is utterly mystified, Hange is fascinated, and the new recruits exchange some really suspicious looks. Levi is mostly disinterested until it occurs to him that most of the destruction looks like the aftermath of a brawl rampage. 

Just... Titan-sized. 

Those marks there? Pounding someone’s face into the dirt -- a seven meter face. Those over there? Stomping down on a particularly stubborn asshole -- a fifteen meter asshole. Those further out? Someone getting drop-kicked and sent bouncing along -- a three meter someone. 

“So, uh, did anyone else have this really weird drunken hallucination of, um..." one of the new recruits mumbles to his friends. 

“...Of a fifteen meter class Titan suddenly appearing on the Wall, roaring to the heavens and jumping down while Mikasa and Armin ride it?” another finished blandly. 

“Oh, I guess I wasn’t the only one,” a third muttered, tugging on one of her pigtails. 

They exchange a strained look and break out into very strained laughter. 

Erwin grows progressively more annoyed as they travel because everyone keeps drifting out of formation to gawk at the Highway, as they’ve taken to calling it, and Hange refuses to leave it at all. Instead of their usual snaking course in avoidance of Titans, they end up going in pretty much a straight line, all the way to Wall Maria. 

Which has a hole in it. 

So, the hole. 

Hole is, perhaps, not the right word for it. Rather, a narrow section of the Wall had been collapsed, leaving a space like the valley between two mountains and a large pile of rubble at the bottom. 

“This could be a problem,” Erwin notes. His level of calm is admirable, since most of his soldiers are honestly on the verge of panicking. It’s fortunate that there aren’t any deeply religious individuals in the Survey Corps, but the Walls are still a cornerstone of their world, and even the Colossal Titan only managed to take down the gate, not an entire section. 

“I don’t smell any blood,” Mike reports. “I don’t think there any bodies under there.” 

“The church pigs are going to flip,” Levi says, a warm feeling of anticipation gathering in his chest. 

“But how did they do it?!” Hange demands of the heavens. “There’s no record of them having explosives, and just how much would they have needed?"

"I don't smell any explosives either," Mike says helpfully. 

"Even setting that aside, doesn’t there seem to be something strange about this?” Hange continues. 

She begins to mutter to herself, peering at the rubble with deep concentration. 

“So what are we going to do?” Levi asks flatly. He’s already gotten a bit bored with all the fuss. It’s not like they were actually using Wall Maria any longer, right? “Should we head back to report?” He hates reporting in general, but he’s kind of looking forward to this. 

Erwin looks thoughtful. “Whatever caused the destruction leading away from Wall Rose is probably also responsible for this,” he says ponderously, looking back over his shoulder the way they had come. “We need to ascertain the source of this phenomenon.” 

Levi can tell where this is headed. “You mean, we’re going..."

“...Forward,” Erwin finishes. 

(They end up having to clear a path through the rubble first, because like hell they’re leaving behind the horses or circling around through Zhiganshina.)

(Hange starts to say something about there being far too little stone, given the size of the collapsed section, and how the physics of it just don’t make sense, but then they spot Titans incoming, only to realize that as long as they stay within the path of destruction they’re not in any danger.)

(That’s enough for Hange to completely lose track of what she was saying.)

And then they’re off, stepping beyond the Walls for the first time in five years. 

\---------


	5. Never speak of this again edition

\---------

It takes the intrepid trio of Eren, Mikasa and Armin significantly longer to get back home than it did for them to reach the ocean. 

Part of it is that they aren’t riding a fifteen meter Titan running full-tilt, only slowing down to dismember any other Titan that comes within reach. 

(Although they don’t remember this, it turned out that not only does a shifter not age while inside their Titan body, they also apparently remain in whatever physical state they were when they entered -- in other words, since Eren was three sheets to the wind when he transformed, he stayed that way until he changed back, a week later, having completed his goal of "go see the ocean.")

Armin also has a vague, indistinct memory of helping Mikasa steer a seven meter class that they had wrangled with their mostly spent maneuver gear, but he dearly hopes that was just a dream. 

Eren offers to transform and carry them again, but Armin can tell that he’s only doing it out of obligation -- he really wants to see the outside world with his own eyes. Well, it’s not like there’s much reason for them to hurry. They were probably written off as dead the moment their absence was discovered. 

So they head back at a leisurely pace, following the mostly straight but still meandering path of destruction they had carved on their way there.

They don’t actually see a single other person. That isn’t to say they aren’t there. Mikasa states in no uncertain terms that someone is almost constantly watching them. Armin can feel it too, what most people would consider a crawling feeling down their spines, but Armin sees as a nice preview of his future, once his plans are complete. 

“The ocean is very nice,” he says a little more loudly than necessary. “We’ll have to come back again.” 

“Yeah!” Eren agrees, his attention still focused on the exciting, new scenery around them. Just the sight of the unobstructed horizon is enough to endlessly fascinate him. 

Bushes just outside the pathway rattle suspiciously. Mikasa very casually draws one of the swords she’s carrying and flourishes it. 

“Well, we need to return home for now,” Armin continues. “But we might need to go look for some more clothes first.”

The wink-wink-nudge-nudge in his tone could not be more obvious. 

“I guess,” Eren says, oblivious. “I’m getting pretty hungry too.” 

Over the next hill, they find baskets of fruit and piles of clothing by the side of the path. 

Armin smiles and settles down to plan. There are so many possibilities to consider...

\--------------

The way the Titans skulk just beyond the edges of the path is very disturbing -- to everyone except Hange, anyway. 

They slowly congregate in greater and greater numbers, following along with the long procession of soldiers and carts for a while before slowly drifting away to do whatever Titans did when not eating people. 

No one is quite willing to trust this aberrant behavior, and the soldiers slowly grow more and more tense as the days stretch on. That doesn't stop them from making more and more outrageous bets about the cause of the Highway, the Titans' behavior, the hole in the Wall. 

(The new recruits bet some combination of "Eren," "Armin," and "Mikasa" for everything.)

They will have to turn back soon, if only due to supply constraints, Erwin knows. But not yet. 

Then, the tense holding pattern abruptly ends. 

The Titans react first. They freeze, the sudden stillness starkly different from their usual shuffling. Every soldier instinctively freezes as well, reaching for their weapons and readying their Gear. 

Mike reacts next. “I smell something incoming,” he declares. But judging by the look on his face, he doesn’t know what it is. 

Finally, everyone reacts. They all jump in shock together as an earsplitting roar echoes across the countryside. 

The Titans turn and run. 

Erwin has never seen that reaction. He had, in fact, believed that Titans didn’t even have a sense of self preservation. But here they are, stampeding away from... something. 

What could terrify even Titans? And do they really want to meet it?

Hange looks absolutely thrilled. 

Another roar sounds, and another. The horses are balking, the soldiers are panicking, the Titans are tripping over each other in their haste to get away. 

But over all the commotion, Erwin thinks he hears something else. A slightly shrill young voice. 

“-WARD!” 

Yes, he definitely hears that. 

“FORWARD!!”

Another roar, and Titan’s severed head comes bouncing down the path, out of the sparse woods up ahead. A moment later, the source of the chaos appears -- a fifteen meter class Titan bursts out of the woods at a full sprint. 

Riding on its shoulder is a short boy, his golden hair and elaborately embroidered colorful tunic standing out against the Titan’s own dark mane.

“FORW--!!” he starts to yell again, only to cut off as he notices the caravan in their path. “Shit! Eren, turn! Turn!” 

\------------

Somehow, they manage to avoid a collision. There are no casualties at all, in fact. In a rare bit of good fortune, the Titan dodges aside in just the right way to avoid Levi’s reflexive attack on it. 

From there, everything just goes to hell.

Two kids -- the boy on the shoulder and the girl on the back of the neck, whom they had missed at first -- riding a Titan, Erwin might have been able to wrap his head around. A third kid popping out of the Titan... that’s where he draws the line. 

Fortunately, no one notices their commander quietly have an existential crisis. Hange is frothing at the mouth, literally. Levi is looking even more pissed off than usual, possibly because the Titan had -- accidentally, more or less -- dodged his lines and thus saved itself.

The other Titans have fled. 

The new recruits are facepalming. 

“What the hell, Eren?” one of them mutters. “No, seriously. What the hell, you guys?” 

“We went to see the ocean,” the girl states, and now Erwin realizes that yes, that’s the number one graduate, Miss Mikasa Ackerman herself. She’s just... wearing a weird skirt and something that only vaguely passes for a top. And a ratty red scarf.

Together with her exotic features, Erwin is suddenly, unhappily reminded of some very fanciful beyond-the-Wall adventure novels he had once read -- just before they were confiscated by the Church as heretical literature. A wild, otherworldly beauty that obeyed no social conventions...

That image is going to figure in the dreams of many of his soldiers. 

This entire situation is going to figure in Erwin’s nightmares. He’s sure there is nothing -- nothing! -- that can derail his plans quite this thoroughly and mercilessly. 

So many truths overturned. There are people beyond the Wall! Kids can turn into Titans! Two teenagers and a fifteen meter class broke through the Wall, somehow! 

Why, why did he not become an accountant? Ledgers wouldn’t do this to him. 

“Oh? I hope it was nice,” Levi says in a terribly calm, silky way. He’s beyond pissed. 

“The ocean is very nice,” Mikasa agrees, meeting his narrow glare evenly. She looks utterly unrepentant. She’s also carrying a number of weapons and looks quite ready to use them. 

“How are you not dead?” one of their former classmates wonders, sounding as affronted by their continued existence as Erwin feels. 

“That part’s pretty obvious,” another deadpans, looking meaningfully at the steaming Titan corpse Eren had been pulled out of. “Way to go, Yeager. Only you. Only you would want to kill Titans so much you turn into one.” 

“Hey! It’s not my fault!” Eren protests. “It’s my dad’s! ...Probably!”

“So it’s not contagious?” someone mutters. 

Erwin might have made some kind of strangled noise at this point, but it is fortunately drowned out Hange’s awed, reverent exclamation. 

“Tell me all about it,” she demands, suddenly right next to the kids. The degree to which she’s invading Eren’s personal space is honestly indecent. It doesn’t help that Eren isn’t wearing a shirt -- only lots of necklaces -- and his skirt is slipping. 

Like Erwin’s sanity. 

They will not speak of this, he decides suddenly. He doesn’t care if he has to cut out the tongues of every single person involved. There will be no reports of this. He’s not explaining this to Zackly, the nobles, the church, the king, to anyone at all, because he doesn’t understand it either. 

They went out. They miraculously found three kids. They came back. That’s all. 

Meanwhile, Eren's skirt slips off completely, Mikasa tries to murder Hange, and Armin smiles pleasantly. 

He's had to revise his plans a bit, but he can definitely meet the rest of his goals with this. Oh yes. Next stop: tearing down the Church. And after that, it's coup time. Or a revolution, Armin's still working out the details. 

\---------  
I'm sorry, for everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was drawn this lovely fanart as well:  
> http://peonygoodchild.tumblr.com/post/61986466617
> 
> Thank you~

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Mother of All Hangovers [PODFIC]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2004528) by [Opalsong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opalsong/pseuds/Opalsong)




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